Someone shit on the floor
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
