dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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