CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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