Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
