who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
