you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
