you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
