The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
