Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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