yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
