yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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