STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
