The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
