My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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