I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
