We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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