Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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