If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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