im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
