I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
