mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
