Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
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