I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
