I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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