I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
