Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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