we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
