The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
