Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
