Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
