Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
