Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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