Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
