Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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