Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
