I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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