the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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