Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
