She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
