She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
