why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
