Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
