About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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