Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
