I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
