Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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