3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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