Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
