so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
this just has baby written all over it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
