I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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