happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
