I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
